What color lipstick for that oinker?

The fad today is for companies to emphasize customer service. It's one of the few ways that big corporations can distinguish themselves from their competitors. Some companies "do" customer service very well, and if any of them are reading this, they will not be surprised by the content. Perhaps they will appreciate it, but this is not for those who already get it.

This is for Giant Corporation. You know who you are. You claim to emphasize customer service but you either don't really care about it or don't have a clue about what good customer service looks like.

First, here's what good customer service does NOT look like: It does not look like a pig wearing lipstick. There is no way to say it more plainly, and if you think about this a while, you will get it. Lipstick, pig, mental picture. Etc. 

Without further delay, here are some things that the Big Guys might want to ponder before they do a new PR campaign about the great importance of customer service:

LESSON 1
This is for banks that have gotten too big for their britches: Do not leave your customers waiting on hold for 20 minutes only to tell them, when you do deign to provide a real person to talk to them, that to do the simple thing the customer is requesting will cost said customer a fee. You could do this for free for most of your customers, and most of us already know it. Furthermore, we also know a bank down the street that will do it for free. And further furthermore, since you have put your customers out recently with computer systems that have failed big-time, and since you often put them out by making them wait on the phone to talk to a real person, you NEED to do something nice for them. Like not charging a fee for a routine request. Additional tip: Customers generally don't like you telling them how they should spend their money.   

LESSON 2
This one is for "service" organizations looking for new members. Do not call and leave a message on the potential member's answering machine commanding them to call you back without giving a reason. Not even in a nice voice. Because of who you are, most reputable companies will call you back. But you already know this; it is exactly why you leave them the message to call you back without saying what the heck you want. When said company owner does call you back, do not try to make them feel swell about the phone call by saying because their are no complaints in their file, you are inviting them to join. This is like getting an invitation to a wedding and then being told where to send the money or a gift. It is not polite to ask for money after you have invited someone to do something. Did your mother not teach you this? Do a lot of people RSVP favorably after getting such an invitation? Are the businesses that you can successfully intimidate or deceive really the "guests" you want?

LESSON 3
This one is for businesses that conduct business via contracts. Could you please make the contracts shorter than a novella and write them in the real language of your country? Once one gets to "ee. The exception to this rule, (see Amendment VI Article 1) applies when you can show that you were insured by a credible..." TWE-E-E-T! Come back, Guys. Let's take that ball out again.You lost most people back on the amendment clause. No one should have to thumb back through 10 pages and forget what she is looking for before she finds it. The best sentence construction includes subject, verb, and meaningful content. No adjectives like "credible," especially if "credible" then needs to be further explored on your definitions page.

LESSON 4
If you truly want to offer your appreciation for a "longtime customer in good standing", then go ahead and do it. You don't need said customer's permission. You don't need to call them and bother them at work. You don't need a commitment from them. Oh...you DO need a commitment? You want them to sign a contract to get said deal? Then it's really not appreciation for being a "longtime customer in good standing" -- is it? So don't say that, please. Just say that you want them to continue giving all their business to you and they can get a pittance off this month's bill if they will only be loyal to you for the next 24 months. Make sense?

The lessons could continue, but that's enough for now. Simply put, what most companies need is not better trained customer service representatives, as they often say in public. What they really need are better policies. For the record, good customer service is not better PR. It's policies that don't abuse the customer. You know...the ones you say come first?