The Alien Commander solution

     One of the burning, unanswered questions of our time (April 2007) is, can we blame allergy-causing pollens on something, please? Like global warming? Maybe then we could figure out how to get rid of them.

     OK. That’s a political statement, but I would take any sound reason, political or not, that someone could give me for this abundance of pollen floating around. Because I have not been able to work in my gardens much this year, I have to blame the pollen on something. The air debris has increased over the years, right? I think so. I am celebrating another spring in which I can neither taste nor smell, and my ears feel plugged up.

     My allergy doctor, who has an out-of-left-field sense of humor and a great accent to match, actually had a suggestion for me. After a recent breathing test in his office, he asked me how I was doing overall.

     “Fine,” said I, “except for the stuff in the air. I wear a pollen mask when I work outside, but I can’t tell that it’s helping.”

     “You should use a painter’s mask,” he replied. “Pollen masks block some of the pollen, but painters’ masks are much more effective. They have a carbon filter.”

     My protest was immediate: “I already look like a space alien! I wear eye goggles to protect my eyes, ear protectors when I use my Leaf Hog, and this gigantic white pollen mask over my mouth and nose.”

     No stranger to shallow objections, Dr. Allergy didn’t miss a beat. “They come in colours,” he said, with a delightful emphasis on the “u” in colours (I vote for spelling it that way when he says it). “You would look more like Alien Commander. Wear it in the back yard first.” He didn’t even crack a smile, then only a slight one when I started chortling at the image.

     Ever since, I have delighted in replaying the word “colours” in my head. My friend Karen helpfully advised that she has such a mask -- green -- that she uses when she works on her carvings, and I am welcome to borrow it.

     Thanks, Frog, but I am thinking of asking for several for my birthday, in different colours. I have an Alien Commander image to maintain and lots of yard-wear to coordinate.