Be careful what you wish for

Here’s a gem from a magazine on how not to gain weight during the holidays: “You can still eat your favorite foods; just eat less.” 

Here’s one on exercising effectively: “Commit at least 30 minutes a day to physical activity.”

Here’s a tip on horizontal stripes or patterns: “They make you look wider. Wear them only if you are thin. Wear vertical patterns or dark solids to look smaller.”

Duh.

I used to wish for advice I’d never heard before. That was before I got my wish on a subject that actually affects my daily life. Allergies.

This advice is about maintaining a dust-free, pollen-free bedroom. It doesn’t focus on entombing your mattress in plastic, avoiding stuffed and live animals or keeping the humidity level at a certain percentage. Its concern is a sterile sleeping environment.

Ready for it? Here it is:

You must dress in another room and at all times brush your clothes and shoes before crossing the threshold into Dust-Free Utopia.

Are you actually thinking about doing this? I’m not either, although I briefly tried to get the picture in my head. I just can’t get beyond where I would keep my clothes (I have already stored the clothes I really don’t wear in the extra closet in preparation for the garage sale I have been thinking about for two years). I also got snagged on where to keep the sterile brush I’d need to use before entering sterile territory. And what about my husband, or more specifically, his clothes? It’s hard enough for both of us to find our clothes now. I can’t see either of us dressing somewhere else.

I now have a more open mind about articles that give advice. I believe they exist only in the spirit of compromise, to get us to think about doing things that are good for us.

Because now I am thinking about how nice it would be to have a dust-free home and I’ve gone beyond fantasizing about teaching Sam the dog to wipe his feet on the doormat. Maybe I could attach a dust cloth to his tail…